Wednesday, October 17, 2007

King of the Bad Rugs

Today while sitting at Micky D's, I tried valiantly, but unsuccessfully to avoid staring at the head seated facing away from me in the next booth. I was sorely tempted to use my cell phone to take a picture, but as an Internet safety expert, I would not subject anyone to that kind of global exposure. In fact, I would be a hypocrite if I even showed close friends and family.

However, I don't feel that there is any harm in giving a written description of what I saw. In fact, it might even do some good if by chance the wearer of this rug reads this post and takes an honest look at himself in the mirror. It's obvious that he didn't notice the succession of employees causally strolling by is booth.

I've walked the face of this planet for more than sixty years, and have seen my share of bad wigs, but this one stands out so much that if I were to assign a scoring criteria, with high numbers as ugliness quotient, this one would score more than the sum of the next ten.

First picture a man in his late 60's or early 70's. He is bald on the top with very straight hair on the sides and back just about long enough to put in a 1 inch ponytail. The color is about 60% brown and 40% gray.

Now let's talk about the adornment of that bald patch on the top of his head. There is no way that he paid good money for what is there. It might have been a garage sale or road kill, but for the sake of speaking, let's say he went to a fictitious web site and followed these instructions.

Preparing your real hair:
1) Take one ounce of Dep and mix it with an equal amount of 40 weight motor oil.
2) Spread half of the mixture through your hair
3) Comb back the sides into a ducktail in the back.

Making your wig:
1) Find a French poodle with brown hair at least three shades darker than your hair. 2) Clip the poodle and glue the hair to an oval piece of heavy canvas large enough to cover your bald spot.
3) Spread the other half of the Dep and oil mixture through the poodle hair.
4) Let it almost dry. Then place it in the driveway and run over it repeatedly with your car do as to flatten all curls into what looks like a collection of flat, dry, cinnamon buns.

Wearing your wig:
1) Carefully place your now rigid rug on the top of your head making no attempt to blend it with your natural hair.
2) Be sure that it is placed so that when someone sees you in profile, there is at least a half inch gap between the wig and the front third of your scalp.

Enjoy your new wig!

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